So, today was the last day of high school. It's funny, a lot of the people I see are either strongly for or strongly against the last day. Those for it are, obviously, ready to get the hell out of there, and those against it are going to miss it all. They're going to miss their friends, some of their teachers, the school. Those people feel strongly about it, whether pro or against, but then there's a smaller group who don't feel strongly one way or another. Let's break it down a little bit further, though: There's a subgroup of those who don't care: Those who rarely care about much, and those who are trying pretty hard to care, but failing.
I'm really.. I don't know how to put it. When a friend of mine moves away, I write them a letter. I get them something to remember where they moved from. I give them something of mine in order to remember me. Ritual doesn't seem to be the right word, but it's sort of true. I have movements to go through, little spiritual things. This is really hard for me to put into words, and I don't know whether to blame the fact that I haven't written in a while, or if it's just *that* obscure of a thing. It's deep in my mind, and it's gotta be something subconscious since it affects a lot of my thinking. Let's back it up, I'll give some examples.
A friend of mine moved last year. John and I were pretty damn close, so it stung to see him go. But, before he went, I gave him a copy of my favorite book, wrote him a letter, all that. I couldn't just say "Goodbye" to him, and walk away. I took him aside, told him I believed in him as a person, and it was true. I don't know what he took from it. This is my doubt talking, but maybe he took it as an awkward gesture, and it looms over his memory of me. I don't know why, some people take personal things like that as an awkward thing. I had to do it, though. I've moved too many times, closed off too many friendships with a handshake and a "Seeya" to let these go on without some formality. Maybe it's something of a longing for the same. I don't know, usually I'm the one giving a heartfelt farewell, never much one to receive. That's fine, I guess.
No, it's not. That's the root of it all. This isn't a rant, though. I'm not condemning every person I know because they didn't send me on my way with a great farewell. I'm not mad at anyone, but the fact that usually it's so simple for others to say goodbye is what fuels me to make sure there's nothing I regret.
I try to make it so that I don't regret a thing. The reason why I do this is because there's so much I used to regret. When I moved from Michigan, I never spent much time with my friends there. I did this for no reason at all. I've hated myself enough for it, I don't any more, but I was foolish at the time. I had one last summer with my best friend, and I blew it. I could've spent every day with him and my other friends if I wanted to, but instead we hung out only once or twice. I spent the last day in Michigan with people who were small friends, I think it was August 17th, and the next time I saw Dan was November 4th. I didn't even see him in August, I saw him in July- I think. I regretted that for almost four months, then another nine.
That's why I spend so much time with Alyssa now. Every day I'm with her, so that I won't ever regret not seeing her. I won't be able to.
This ties into the High School thing, I promise.
The thing is, I've tried to spend more time with my other friends, but around January I stopped trying. It was a trust issue. I trust Dan with my life, and that's not put lightly. This isn't a blog post dedicated to talking about what an awesome person he is, but he's my example of someone I can always trust to be there, to confide in, and all that. He's got my back. My friends here... they don't. They never have, or at least it was never mutual. I was too used to confiding in people, letting them know my problems, and expecting them to be strong back. That was probably my own fault, not every one can be trusted, but everyone's a naive teenager at one point in their lives. Everyone's allowed to be a fool.
Now, this post also isn't the equivalent of me tearing up the pictures of my friends, or cutting them out of pictures of us. That doesn't mean we're cool, either. I've got to get it out somehow, and this is how. I'll try to keep my cool, since I'm not angry now, and any sort of rage at them would really make this look like an angsty complaint instead of a factual declaration.
Regardless, here it goes. I gave up on almost everyone I knew here once before, back in January of 2007. I'd said in the other post how John took precedence over them all, and he definitely had. John's gone, though, so I had to go back to my friends. That's alright, I could tolerate them, only one of them had really gone against me, behind my back. The others I just didn't quite care for at the time. I bet they didn't care for me, either, so both parties win.
There's something about the winter months that really bring loyalties to the surface. I keep throwing around the idea to include a backstory to this, but anyone who cares to read this probably knows it. If they don't, you're Dan, or I don't want to tell you. Let's jump to the juicy stuff. My friends sold me out, then turned coat when it seemed most humorous to them. I consider myself a fairly nice person. I'm an asshole to everyone I dislike, but only if within the last few days they had been deserving of it. My friends, on the other hand, I can treat like kings. I invest my feelings and trust into them. I was so wrong, and I guess I'm even beyond that.
The point is that I'm done with them. I decided this back in January, Fen decided it for me. Trust in a strong alter-ego that doesn't exist. I swear that I'm not crazy. I won't talk to any of my friends from highschool after the fourteenth, I don't think. I don't want to. I put up with them for six months in order to make it as smooth of a transition as possible, but now I don't need to. I'm done with school, and done with them. I can start over again, as I've done three other times in my life. They're a chapter in my life, and I'm on the last few pages.
I promised that this would tie into High School, and my lack of care when graduation comes into play. When I lived in Michigan, High School was intense. It was every range of emotions that a teenager needs to go through. I had loyal friends, intense rivals, people I hated, people that hated me, and every flavor of ally and enemy in between. I had emotional investment, because I had memories. Both strong, happy memories, and sad memories.
If I had gone to Hackett for four years, I'd be doing one of two things. I'd be hanging out with Dan and probably a few other friends, probably sitting in a car somewhere, watching the sun set. We'd go to someone's house, watch a movie, lightsaber fight, whatever. It'd be sealed off with good memories. If that didn't happen, I'd be sitting in my room, alone, angry at myself for not letting it happen, and probably crying.
Here, I'm writing a blog post. I tried to see some of my friends tonight, plans fell through, and people I'd rather avoid were present. I was angry at first, I wanted to go there and personally beat the shit out of the person I'd hated. The opportunity existed, he was out of school, I'd simply go there and do the deed. I was even near the person's house. Wait, my friends were there, but whose side could I count on them to be on? Would anyone back me up? Would they turn on me? Angry one moment, introspective the next. I wouldn't let it happen, though. I wouldn't brood because of it. That kid had caused me to be angry far too many times, and I've wasted countless hours on thoughts better spent on *anything* else. I threw on uncharacteristically uplifting music, kicked the car to life, and drove home with a smile on my face.
What was I expecting, anyway? To drive around with my friends here, watch suns set with them? Would we kick back and watch the stars turn in the sky, watch favorite movies, indulge in swordfighting? No, they'd complain about nothing to do, they'd see nothing deeper, nothing spiritual about it being a goodbye. They'd shake my hand and say goodbye, but only if I stuck my hand out first. This was just a continuing theme of the last three years, and I was somewhat foolish to expect different. Oh well, Fen, that's one more mistake to take.
I won't miss High School here. It was a forced dance for me, I simply went through the movements, waiting patiently for the song to end. I have no striking memories with my friends. All of the joy, anger, and sadness that I experienced in Michigan seems to have taken a back-seat here. My happiness happens when I'm not in school- when I'm with Alyssa. I don't feel happy with my friends here, and after Graduation day I won't have to lie to myself and use the word "friend".
So, what's going to happen to me? That's the next chapter in my book. I've plenty of pages, and endless ink. Is my wrist sore yet? Maybe, but if I stop scribbling these chapters, I'll regret it. I can't live for regrets. I live for moments like tonight, hair swirling behind me as I head home with a sly grin.
I can't believe what I've become.
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